It is so difficult to know you have a child out there but the other parent is denying access. Most of the time however, it is a case of the Dad’s missing out on being there with the children suffering as a result. Why is that fair on the children?
In many cases, the fathers hands are tied with many not able to afford legal fee’s or not having the knowledge to fight legally. This can leave an overwhelming range of emotions and can even lead to cases of depression. The important thing to remember though, is that this is normal to feel sad. There are things you can do to help and also show your child(ren) that you were always thinking about them. I have collected these tips from other Dad’s who have their children’s Mum’s denying access.
- Create an email account – create an email account with a unique password and email address which you can email once a month or once a week as a sort of ongoing diary. In the emails, talk about what you have done since the previous period, include photo’s, mention birthdays and other special occasions so that your children, when older, can get to know the type of person their father was and is. Put the login details into your Will to be passed to your children in the event of your death before you get to see them. Doing this will show them that you were thinking of them and enable you to feel connected with them. Just make sure you login to the email from time to time to make sure the account stays active and does not get shut down. You can also pass the email address over to other family members who do not get to see your children so that they can feel connected also.
- Buy Christmas/birthday presents and cards – Buying cards and presents for your children, even if you can not send it to them, is one way to show you were always there thinking about them. They do not need to be big presents nor expensive, but more presents that show you were wanting to be there for them. Within the cards, you can write more personal letters to them so that they can get to know who you are. You can keep these in a time capsule, safe for them for when they want to find you. Make sure you put this into your Will again just in case.
- Create a bank account – You can create a bank account to which you can pay some money into on a regular basis that can be a one time present for your children. Put it into your Will and label the bank account very clearly that the money within it is for your children once they turn 18 or older. This will be a simple thing that will help them on the road to adult hood and show them you were always thinking of them. You can create a letter for them explaining more about why you have done it and the reasons.
- See your GP – It is tough, especially in the early days and if you find your mood changing and you find yourself feeling down, go and see your GP to see if they can help. They may suggest you are depressed and give you methods for dealing with things. This could be helplines, counsellors or even some medication. There is no shame in admitting you are feeling down.
- Talk to friends and family – It is no good bottling things up, talking to friends will help you deal with the stress and upset not being able to see your children can cause. Do not be afriad to show your emotions and share your feelings, no matter what they are, they are better out than in.
- Write a letter – Why not write a letter about your feelings and seal the letter up. You can then choose to burn the letter in a symbol of letting your feelings go now you have documented them. This action will be like clearing your mind of the sadness and upset you are feeling.
- Be social – Just because you have an ex-partner who has denied you access, do not let it beat you. You have to live your life and be happy. You never know when your child will make contact with you and you do not want them to meet a father who is down in the dumps and not living his life. Being social will also help you deal with any depression you maybe suffering and help you deal with your emotions.
- Music – There are 2 songs that really helped me process the situation with lyrics that enabled me to connect with the situation and give me hope. There is some scientific proof that shows music can help deal with stress so turn on that radio and discover that song, don’t look for it, it will find you! When you are feeling low, need some hope, hit the play button and let yourself be lifted, even if just for 3 minutes.
- Knowing when to give up – At times, you need to walk away when you have given it your all and you’ve no more to give. I’ve written a more in-depth post about this and if it has got to that stage for you, go give it a read.
Above all else, you have a responsibility!
This is a hard part to explain and write. Even though the actions of your ex-partner may mean you can never see your child again, you still have a responsibility towards them and to provide for them. If you have a child, use this as a drive to better yourself so that you can provide for them with payments made to the mother for your childs upkeep. It maybe difficult to do and difficult to see the logic behind it when you are denied access but come the time you are questioned by your children or by the courts when you go for access, and you are asked “what did you do for the upkeep of your son or daughter”, you have evidence that you have provided for them even in hard times. Be the better person.
What tips have you got to help with the emotional rollercoaster of not being able to see your children? Comment below, I’d love to hear them and please share it to your walls and with your friends and family so it can help them with ideas.