Being a Dad is amazing, though sometimes this right is taken away from us. Usually, the majority of the time, it is the mum denying access to the child’s Dad though it can be the other way round. As a Dad going through the process of fighting for my son’s right to see me, I shall write from the viewpoint of a Dad though the same tips can be applied to Mum’s to!
For me, I was devasted when I had a soleless text with no explanations just saying, I’m stopping you from seeing your son.
Wow, what a bombshell as Clarkson would say, straight away, I went from being a single Dad with access to my son, able to enjoy time with him and him having a whale of a time with his Dad to what felt like my whole world being torn away from me, getting rid of my purpose. I spent all that night crying in a ball on my sofa with no explanation of logical reason for being denied access. I was somewhat prepared for this from previous experiences before he was born with the threats, not being told he was born and constant threats that access would stop once I did manage to spend the time I managed to get with him.
I do not want to go into the previous history too much, needless to say, it had made me aware of what I would feel and what I needed to do. That is what I want to focus on, the what you need to do to stay strong whilst you fight and the process of the fight. I am an amazing Dad, and I was not going to stop fighting for my son’s right to spend quality, emotional time with his Dad.
What can you do to fight?
There are many ways you can fight for your child, you have legal routes, you have mediation, you have the option to try and talk to resolve it yourself. I’m going to be exploring the available options for you with the help of other Dad’s in due course being sure, to work with Daddilife in the process. The first thing to do in fighting for your child is to deal with your own emotions and think about what you do logically and fairly. It’s not a grudge match, it is not a way to get back at your ex, it is a way to make sure the legal right of your children is kept with giving them emotional and quality access to both parents. So what can you do to make sure you are kept on the true path?
The process of fighting begins…
Having your children torn away from you is a hard experience, one to which I hope any parent does not need to go through. But when it does, before you even think about fighting for your childs right, you have to think about yourself and how you are going to deal with it. It’s advice that will mean you are stronger and can fight a better fight. All these are based from my own personal experiences and those of other Dad’s involved with the Dad’s To Be blog. They may apply to you or only aspects may do so. So here it goes:
- Prepare yourself emotionally. You will be feeling universal feelings of stress, anxiety and even going through stages of depression for which all are amplified by a lack of decent sleep. You may be feeling as though the whole world has crumbled into a black hole and things will never return to normal. This is not the case and if you start feeling like this, you need to talk about your feelings and deal with them. Go and see your GP to see where you can get help from. Counsellors and therapists are also on hand to give you personalised help and support. Friends and family are massively important too though do not seek professional advice from them, instead, use them as a way to socialise and get out which is one way to tackling depression. You do not need to turn to alcohol or shutting yourself away, you need to deal with the early signs of depression before they take you over. We’ve written a post about this at: https://www.dads-to-be.com/depression/
- Is there a simple fix? Let’s get back to basics, is there are reason for why you have been denied access? Something you have said or done? Try talking to Mum in a civil, calm way. This may be done via text or via the offer of mediation. It could be something very simple… it may not be but it is worth exploring before going to the next stage.
- Research your options. Realise it is not going to be an easy, quick battle. There are things you can do to help with the emotional aspects of fighting that can help you feel more connected with your child. You are in for a long haul and depending on where you live, there will be different routes available to you with different levels of help and support available both in the process itself or financially. The first part of the fight is to do your research. Work out budgets and work out what options are available to you. The best routes are those that will bring lasting results in my eyes. Spending thousands on legal help is the route I went to allow me to deal with the emotional aspects and approach the fight in an aspect that would bring me the best, lasting results in my situation. Finding out what rights you already have is a good start and these rights will be different depending on if you are on the birth certificate or have parental responsibility. You have to remember that there is one person you have to put before yourself, your child. It is not a fight between you and your ex, it is not a slagging contest and you have to make sure any attack against you is met with a thick skin. People can throw alot of shit in the hope it does stick, sometimes, you have to go through a process of proving the accusation is not true depending on the accusation and the route you go down. Hold your head high and know you are doing things properly.
- Know when you need to stop fighting. This seems a bit backward but it is important. As a Dad, you give it your all, it is emotionally draining and very difficult. Knowing when to stop to recharge emotionally or gather funds is important.
It is so hard fighting for your child. The process can be days or even years. Remember, they are your children and the love for them is immense, it is so east to let this rule what is the logical route to gain access once again but so important it does not fog your route. I wish you luck and support. You are not alone.