So I thought I would hop onto write a very speedy blog post. As I type, I have 50 minutes before I see my son for the first time in around 4 months and I have a wealth of feelings running through my body that I am struggling to pinpoint. I’m nervous, I’m scared, anxious and excited all at the same time. I am literally that bad I have the squits, nice huh! But why is it I am feeling all of these things?
Obviously I am looking forward to seeing my little man again after contact was stopped by his mum, and this is the start of more regular contact now that the courts are involved fighting for his rights to have a Dad but I can not help but feel it is a sad state of affairs that I am feeling scared, nervous and anxious. I put it down to there not being enough information out there and no rule book as to what actually happens.
Speaking with friends, they assure me this is normal and in fact I will have an amazing time but I can not get out my head the thoughts of “will he remember me” or if he does “will he trust me after such a long break”?
I think it is, no matter how he reacts around me, important to remember, that however he is, it is not his fault. Just as important, no matter how nervous or anxious I feel, I will make sure I am the best I can be for him and make sure he has a great time at the contact centre.
So what are my thoughts on a contact centre? So far, the people at the centre I have been to for an initial interview, have been lovely. There have been loads of probing questions and rules I have had to read of things I am allowed to do or not allowed to do to safeguard all children but I still can not help but feel, in our case at least, what a complete over reaction when all I want is to be able to be there for my son in a natural environment. Why do I have to have people supervise my contact with my son? I know deep down, I will be proven wrong with my negative thoughts and come the final court case, I will not need to do this again but till then, in order to be there for my son, I have to jump through these hoops… after all, it is for him I’m doing it for and he does not see it as a contact centre with supervised contact, he will see it as a giant playgroup with other kids and his dad there! So let’s go there with my head held high and we will both have an amazing time.
I guess I will find out how it goes in less than an hours time now and I better try to eat something… easier said than done. I let you know how it goes.